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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27213550">Voices...?...the voice?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayatinyzen/pseuds/stayatinyzen'>stayatinyzen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix Needs a Hug (Stray Kids), Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), Maybe - Freeform, Scratching, Self-Worth Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:20:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,498</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27213550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayatinyzen/pseuds/stayatinyzen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix's fingers itched.<br/>But it wasn't his fingers.</p><p>He doesn't have a stupid 'inner voice'...those...voices depressed people have. Those...they don't...</p><p>That's not what they sound like. Not 'voices'.<br/>Sorry Chan, but i guess your song's not so accurate.</p><p>No voices matter except our own.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------</p><p>help idk how to rate or tag this<br/>also Lix is...messed up in this so be warned<br/>Also, chan's only mentioned in the first chapter</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The truthful voice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW // depression?<br/>skin picking/scratching<br/>Sort of gorey descriptions<br/>lots of over thinking</p><p>Tell me if there are any other tags/warnings that should be added</p><p>sort of self projection from when i was in a worse place</p><p>Don't like, don't read, and kindly click off rather than wasting your time reading something you hate</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix's fingers itched.</p><p>No, they were twitching. His face itched. His face, his arms, his legs. So much it burned.<br/>
It burned so badly he wanted to scratch, hard, hard enough to rip all his skin off.</p><p>No. Stop.<br/>
<em>No, continue. Rip it all off. It's the only way to stop it.<br/>
</em>Just- just breathe-<br/>
<em>What use is your skin anyway? Would anyone care-<br/>
</em>Chan- Chan cares- they all care-<br/>
<em>For what? <span class="u">You?</span> You're kidding yourself.</em></p><p>Felix felt sick.</p><p>He stood up to make his way to the bathroom, he might actually throw up at this rate. <br/>
With a slight gasp, he realised he hadn't taken in any air for a while, he clutched the nearest object to sturdy himself and drew in a few gulps of air to un-fog his mind.<br/>
He was still about to throw up.<br/>
The disgust, pure, deep-set disgust in the single word.<br/>
<em><span class="u">'You'<br/>
</span></em>Yes, him, Felix, Youngbok, that random aussie meme kid, the one who could just about dance, who should've stayed eliminated-</p><p>No, no, no.</p><p>They had been over this, the team needed him.<br/>
<em>But do they?</em><br/>
He felt his breath catch in his throat again. Yes...? He could dance, he could rap, he was their deep base tone for backing. He was...useful?<br/>
<em>And when you run out of use, mess up, one more time, bye-bye Lixie~<br/>
</em>He hated the mocking tone.<br/>
<em>But it's how they always refer to you behind your back. You know that as well as I do.<br/>
</em>Rather than his breath, Felix felt his heart stutter. It- that- that was a thought- insecurity you keptlocked away. It's not true.</p><p>He nearly fell on his knees in front of the toilet, it had never been that long to walk from his bed to here</p><p><em>Feeelix~<br/>
</em>No. Enough already.<br/>
<em>But Lix, liste-<br/>
</em>I'm not listening to you!<br/>
<em>How can you not listen to yourself?<br/>
</em>You...You're not me. You're...a voice.<br/>
The voices people always hear in their head's. It's not true.<br/>
<em>Aw, look at the groups innocent 'baby'. <br/>
Grow up.<br/>
</em></p><p>Felix flinched at the change in tone. From light and teasing to snapped out.</p><p><em>Act your age. You think they have time for you? You think they really want to spend their time babying some supposed twenty year old?<br/>
I'm trying to help.<br/>
</em>But...<br/>
<em>The itch in your fingers isn't going to go away itself.</em></p><p>Felix glanced down at his hands. Wait- he was in the bathroom?</p><p>Oh, right, throwing up.</p><p>His hands.</p><p>The worse he had done was turn a bad itch to a scratched, scabbing area. It didn't bleed. Maybe he should next ti- Don't think like that Felix.<br/>
<em>Yes you should.</em></p><p>No, no. It's wrong.</p><p>...</p><p>Still...I mean...<br/>
It'll...calm the itch down...</p><p>He raised his hand, placing his fingers just below his shoulder. He dragged his blunt nails down, stopping at his elbow.<br/>
The force was nowhere near enough to break the skin, but he felt the continuous itch ebb away minutely, giving way to a pleasant, burning sensation almost. <br/>
He did it again. And again. And again, going further down his arm.</p><p>He stared at the now bright pink skin. God, it was addictive.<br/>
<em>If it feels that good, continue.</em></p><p>And so he did. His other arm. His legs. Even his neck.</p><p>He wished there was a mirror to see it. <br/>
Instead, he gazed down, admiring the rosy coral pink pattern against his warm, honey skin.<br/>
At this he noticed he was sitting on tiles. Bathroom tiles? When-<br/>
<em>Yes, idiot, you are in the bathroom. Where there are mirrors. Get up and look in the mirror like you wanted to, stupid.</em></p><p>Felix didn't flinch at the harshness anymore, grown accustomed to the voices'- voice...his own voice's 'truthful' words and tone.</p><p>With another shaky breath he pulled himself off the floor. As he felt himself sway, nearly falling, he grasped the sink's edge to balance himself.<br/>
<em>Stupid idiot...can't even stand up. So useful to the team.</em></p><p>Felix sighed. He really couldn't shut up for two seconds, huh? No wonder MCs preferred when we was silent...<br/>
<em>Bathroom. Mirror. Pretty pink lines on your disgusting self that we're trying to look at.<br/>
</em></p><p>Right.</p><p>He looked up, meeting his reflections glossy brown eyes. Shiny and glossy, and filled with the emotions, the good ones, others had to be hidden and locked away, far far away. Just, proving...how...'ok' Felix was. But, at the same time, the eyes looked so...so dead. Completely lifeless. How he truly felt.</p><p>He raked his <strike>happy</strike> <em>(lifeless)</em> <strike>lifeless</strike> (but I look ok...happy even)<br/>
His eyes.<br/>
His eyes swept over and inspected all the visible skin.<br/>
His arms, neck and face. His arms looked nice, rather than being covered in peach-pink lines, they looked more cherry-red. His neck had faded to have only baby-pink lines, lame, but also good to avoid questions. He could easily wear a thin jacket, not a scarf or polo neck. Chan would question why he was wearing a *skivvy.</p><p>His face.<br/>
<em>Need we even go into that?<br/>
</em>No, not really. But it's good to know how bad it is, then I can apologise more sincerely.<br/>
<em>Apologise for what?<br/>
</em>You're me...you should know better than anyone...<br/>
<em>Oh I do. I just need to make sure you do. You can say it out loud if you truly mean it.<br/>
</em>Oh...out loud-out loud? Like...I can't just...think...'I want to apologise for my freckles and nose and visuals and existence in general'?<br/>
<em>Repeat it out loud, honestly, if you really mean it.</em></p><p>"I-I..." Felix's voice cracked from lack of use that morning and he heard the mocking laughter in his head, that's right, now he couldn't even talk properly. What was the point in even trying.<br/>
<em>To show that you mean it.</em></p><p>He cleared his throat and tried again. "I want to apologise -to everyone, for my freckles, and my visuals and my whole annoying self a-and-and existence in g-general"</p><p>Maybe he could've said it louder like it- he- his honest voice told him to.</p><p>Maybe he wouldn't have said it so loud-or at all, if he knew who was outside the bathroom.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The world's voice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>#Channiebestleader<br/>oh, and #Chan-best-therapist<br/>bcoz he is and chan's room is clear evidence</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The world's voice? Nah, just Channie's. The only voice and opinion that matters.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> "I want to apologise -to everyone, for my freckles, and my visuals and my whole annoying self a-and-and existence in g-general"</p><p>Chan physically felt his heart crack hearing such words coming from Felix. His little Lix who he swore he would protect. Stray kids' sweet, precious Sunshine.</p><p>He had been pleasantly surprised in the morning, not woken by shouts (from the four maknaes) and shrieks (from the one and only, <em>Prince</em> Hyunjin).</p><p>He had come to check on the others, but getting to Felix's, rather than seeing him sleeping peacefully Chan was greeted with only an empty bed.<br/>
He had sighed, hoping the younger didn't go to the studio to practice at such a time. On deciding to look for him, he had come to the bathroom, only to hear such words.</p><p>He wanted to slam the door open and rush to Felix, demanding answers; an explanation, who made him feel the need to apologise for such things? Why was he doing it?...Why alone in the bathroom so early?<br/>
Admittedly, the last bit was just curiosity and wouldn't mean much but it was information.</p><p>Instead, feeling that doing such...Hyunjin-like (aka. dramatic), actions, would only startle the younger, and knocking would make him quick to close off and hide...if there was anything to be hidden.<br/>
Chan decided to find a middle ground, not so sudden, not so announced.</p><p>He pushed open the bathroom door gently. He saw Felix, gripping the edge of the sink to the point his knuckles were white, so lost in glaring at his reflection that he didn't notice the elder.</p><p>Nearing the younger, Chan noticed harsh pink lines running down the length of his arms. They didn't seem to be bleeding, but they were highly concerning.<br/>
He heard him continue to murmur under his breath occasionally. At this point, Chan really didn't even want to know what he was saying., but at the same time he did, so he could oppose every bad thing Felix dared to say. </p><p>"Lixie..."</p><p>Chan's whisper did little to burst the bubble the younger was in, and he moved closer.<br/>
Before he was in reach, Felix dropped back to sit on the floor, and his fingers seemed to automatically reach for his streaked arm.<br/>
"Felix"<br/>
At this, he gained the youngers attention. His head snapped up while his hand dropped away from his arm.<br/>
"Felix, what are you doing...?"<br/>
Chan received only a blank stare while the younger tried to formulate words. Upon failing he glanced down, tearing up slightly as his nails dug little crescents into his forearm.<br/>
"L-lixie- no-" and with that he crouched down to be at the same level as the younger, literally feeling his heart crack again at the way the boy flinched away when he was closer.<br/>
"Felix...mate, it's just me" He tried in English, hoping it would bring comfort to the younger. As he relaxed, but still didn't look up, Chan took a hold of his hands and moved them away from his arms.<br/>
Felix finally looked up at him, wide, soft cinnamon brown eyes brimming with unshed tears. He interlocked their fingers and softly whispered the older's name as his hands began to tremble in Chan's gentle hold.</p><p>"Felix, Lixie, hey, baby, no, don't cry, I'm here, hyung's here, it's ok" Chan whispered as he slowly shifted the boy closer until he could properly hug him.<br/>
Chan heard a muffled, choked out sob as Felix buried his face in his chest, further breaking his heart. He pecked the top of the younger's fluffy head and switched his hold to lift him up. He stood, rubbing his back as Felix lived up to his title of koala; locking his legs around Chan's waist, his hands fisting the warm grey of Chan's shirt and his head tucked into the crook of Chan's neck, allowing Chan to feel the shaky breaths he rasped as he tried to control himself enough to not break down. Chan frowned and kissed his head again before carrying him out of the bathroom to his bed.</p><p>They simply sat for a little, the younger content to just soak in his hyung's welcome warmth as a hand steadily moved up and down his back in comfort.</p><p>Once Felix was certain he could talk without completely losing it and bawling his eyes out <em>(like the pathetic baby you are)</em>, he tugged on Chan's top to get his attention. Chan's eyes immediately went to the boy on his lap with a soft 'hm?'<br/>
Felix let out a shaky sigh and shut his eyes.<br/>
"Ch-Chris...I'm-...I-I'm sorr-"<br/>
"Lixie, no one's mad or upset" He cut him off softly. "You have nothing to apologise for baby"<br/>
He continued before the younger could try apologise again, "Least of all about who you are and how you look"<br/>
Felix blinked in surprise. "You...heard that?"<br/>
Chan gave a small nod in reply.<br/>
"Oh..." His breathing stuttered again as he tried to draw in a deep breath, causing him to clench Chan's shirt as though it were his only lifeline. "Hyung..."<br/>
It was the smallest Chan had ever heard Felix speak, the vulnerability it conveyed made him want to wrap Felix up in bubble wrap and protect him from the evil world while they giggled over popping Felix's shield. Or rather, as the younger did and Chan would simply be happy and proud at the younger's childish joy.</p><p>He couldn't however, but did the next best thing he could and pulled him impossibly close.<br/>
"Lixie...you're so beautiful...you should never apologise for your visuals, ok? You're not annoying, you're so sweet and kind and just impeccably perfect and anyone who says otherwise is just a jealous donkey that they can't be like you or even know you" With that he paused to breath as well as place a lingering kiss on his forehead. "Don't even get me started on your freckles...I. Love. Them. So. Much." Between each word he showed this love, leaving a tender kiss on a random freckle somewhere on the younger's cheeks or nose. "Lixie, your freckles are so adorable and beautiful and amazing an-"<br/>
He was cut off by Felix placing a (smol) hand over his mouth, said beautiful freckles standing out as his cheeks burnt a rosy pink shade.</p><p>He smiled and pulled the hand away, interlocking their fingers again, and dropped a light kiss to the tip of his nose. "You're really so cute y'know"<br/>
He gained a little whine of embarrassment from Felix, but married to it was a smile. The smile he had been searching for. He landed yet another kiss to his head, smiling along with him.<br/>
(hush, this is Chan being soft for his baby Lixie hours, yes there will be uncountable kisses)</p><p>Felix's smile shrunk as he sunk back into the elder's embrace. <br/>
"I'm...I didn't...mean to..." Chan was slightly confused before he noticed the younger rubbing his arms, knowing Chan had seen the lines.<br/>
"Oh...right...can you...explain?...Why?"<br/>
Felix nodded and sighed again.<br/>
"I just...Honestly don't know. It just- he- I-...it was me, but not"<br/>
Chan nodded a little, utterly confused.<br/>
"It...in my head, there's a voice, he's shut up when I'm with you, but...he said stuff. And my arms were all tingly and he said scratching would help, and it did. So I trusted him. And...then he said stuff, I'm ugly, useless, all that. And, not like its untrue-" <br/>
"It is. It's so untrue. But continue"<br/>
"It...I...I don't know hyung" The same quiet, vulnerable tone had returned. "It just...it did help, the scratching the itch away. And...and I d-don't know. I wasn't gonna let you find out but...yeah"<br/>
"Oh, Lixie..." Chan trailed off, opting to press a kiss to his head instead. "Baby...I'm sorry. Why didn't you talk to hyung? That voice sounds vewy mean" He slipped into baby-talk to amuse the younger. It worked, he gained a soft giggle from him.<br/>
"'m not a baby Chris" He whined. "but...yeah, big fat meanie"<br/>
"Yeah, no, you are my baby. Live with it"<br/>
Felix smiled and snuggled into him. "Well...I guess I have to..."<br/>
Chan nodded and carded his fingers through his hair.</p><p>"Channie hyung..."<br/>
"Hm?"<br/>
"Thank you...so much"<br/>
"It's ok" And yet another forehead kiss. "Just talk to me next time. You can always find me yeah? Doesn't matter what I'm doing, bother me, poke me, close the lap- actually, no, don't do that. But just, if you need, come talk to me. Or one of the other's if you want."<br/>
"Oki..."<br/>
Felix sat up to press a chaste kiss to Chan's cheek, in return for all the others he had gotten. Also in thanks. Just for being there, and being amazing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if u get the reference to what chan said irl ily</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I like the end. It's not what I originally had in mind, it was only gonna be one chapter but I can't make lixie suffer like this so we gotta add that fluffy comfort after<br/>Also, any and all of feedback I got was along the lines of...I'm not forcing you to make the next chapter...but if you don't I'm going to kill you<br/> </p><p>*Skivvy = What they call a polo/turtle neck in Australia (coz I'm as big of an Aussie boo as hyunjin)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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